May 05, 2015
ON HER PARENTS’ MARRIAGE: "My parents’ marriage lasted fourteen years; they divorced when I was three so I don’t remember much about it. It can’t have been all that good because a good marriage rarely ends in divorce. I think great marriages are very hard to find because as a culture I don't think we’re taught how to be authentically ourselves when we’re in union with another person for forty or fifty or sixty years. The marriages that I admire are ones where both people never stop growing and changing."
ON HER MARRIAGE: "I consider my marriage a huge success. We were together from 1999-2011 which is a long time in my book, and we learned a lot from each other and made two beautiful children who we continue to co-parent very lovingly and attentively. I need a really good reason to get married again — looking back, a lot of us have a biological imperative to marry because underneath that is this imperative to procreate. I was compelled to get married and it seemed like the next right thing to do in life. But now after having children, it’s not totally clear to me what the purpose of marriage would be. I think we’re at a very interesting time culturally on what marriage means. It’s evolved from a very necessary socio-economic unit to marrying for love, at which point it started to deteriorate. Arranged marriages have a much lower divorce rate because both people know exactly what they’re signing up for, whereas people who are just marrying for love, their desires are always changing. My ex-husband and I are still married as it relates to our children. Kids only benefit when you add more loving, interesting adults to their life."
ON HER CAREER: "I started Splitsville — an online resource devoted to newly single adults — because I was fascinated that I was a liberal Brooklyn parent living in a very liberal culture, finding that people’s attitude about divorce were incredibly negative and archaic and rooted in the bad divorces of our parents in the seventies and eighties. I was really surprised that a new paradigm for postmarital life hadn’t been created.
"When I was considering ending my marriage I was desperate to find other people who understood my desire to end what on the outside looked like a perfectly good marriage. It makes me happy when people express a feeling of relief and the joy of identification when they see that other people aren’t in 'perfect families' with white picket fences and that kind of thing. That it isn’t a case of 'everyone else is perfect and I'm all wrong.'
"My other work is with Representation Co, which I started four years ago after being a talent agent for over fifteen years. I love working with filmmakers and the fast-paced environment of advertising. I feel lucky to work with really amazing people. You have to be willing to start at the bottom and excel and then get to where you want to be."
ON SEX AND MARRIAGE: "Pay attention to sex in the marriage. I believe the quality of your sex life can be very reflective of what’s happening in your relationship. And for me having a marriage that was like a management firm of our children and logistics — it didn’t work. Pay attention to your sex life and don't be afraid to ask for help and go to a sex therapist. Bottom line: have lots of it and pay attention. And unless your dude doesn’t have a sex drive trust me, he's thinking about sex. Brooklyn has this bizarre family and child worship happening and I wish adults were having more fun, more sex, and just having a better time. Bed time routines should not be two hours."
ON MOTHERHOOD: "It’s a total game changer. It was the only thing that could cut through the self centered BS my brain was filled with before I had kids and I’m incredibly grateful. I love being a mom more than anything but I'm careful not to make it my entire identity. I'm grateful to be a working mother that is able to model what a balanced life could look like for my children. I think my kids are really proud of the fact that “I’m the boss.” Being your true self is the best service you can do as a mother."
ON HERSELF IN 50 YEARS: "Well, I’ll be 93, so hopefully I’ll be dead! If I'm not dead, which hopefully I am, I plan to be smoking and expressing my opinions loudly to anyone who’ll listen."
ON HER FANTASY WEDDING: "I’m thinking Louis CK & Amy Poehler — both divorced and really cool people."
ON HER STYLE ICON: "I love an 1980’s Debbie Harry or Chrissie Hynde. Or Katharine Hepburn with her trouser pants."
FAVE LOVE BOOK: Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel.