May 02, 2016
Get Lean And Toned In The Comfort Of Your Own Home
Always wanted to try Pilates but can't quite wrap your head around the idea of shelling out big bucks for to lay around on a strange contraption with a sweaty vagina in front of a bunch of girls you find intimidating? Have no fear, Heather Andersen, a classically trained ballerina, former Mormon punk and owner of New York Pilates is here to tell you how to get lean and toned in the comfort of your own home. "No time like the present," she says. "Summer is coming. It's the season of cropped shorts, tiny dresses, belly shirts and sex with strangers."
Frog Heel TV Lifts
How to lift your tush during a marathon sesh of Broad City? Lay flat on your belly in front of the TV and press your pubic bone down. Keep your knees apart and your heels together in a diamond shape. Then, keeping your back stable, lift and lower with your heels until your butt burns. “Total pet peeve that drives me bananas is butt cheeks hanging out of shorts. A big butt is great — but let’s keep it high,” says Heather. Three reps of twenty each will do the trick.
Grab a New Yorker and plop onto your back. With your pelvis in the air and your heels lifted up, raise one leg at a time. Flip a page, switch a leg — tighten your core while reading Remnick's take on #imwither versus feeling the Bern. Three reps, twenty each.
Inner Thigh Eyelash Kicks
Before heading out to the bar, grab your cosmetics case get on your elbows and knees with a straight back and your compact mirror six inches in front of you. Lift one leg up bringing your thigh parallel to the floor while applying two thick coats of your mascara (waterproof, of course). Three reps of twenty at a time, then say a prayer that you have the energy to wash your face at three AM before passing out on your pillow with a red wine moustache.
Wine Bottle Ballet Arms
Make your arms into a circle. Grab a cheapo bottle of cab sevs in your right hand and and open your arm to the side while keeping your left arm in place. Take a swig, switch hands, and keep alternating sides. Use your obliques to keep your ribcage stable. Three reps of twenty each. Do it.