Help! I’m Married But We Don’t Have Sex.

Jillian Tureckiyoga teacher and certified coach, on the unbearable boringness of certainty in a long term relationship (AKA why you no longer fuck your husband) — and tips for reigniting sex and passion.

I love being comfortable and cozy in my relationship. What’s wrong with that? Nothing! Who doesn’t love a good Sunday night eating take out in your pjs with your lover, watching some great HBO series? You’re cozy, with your best friend who you are in love with, and nothing could be more comfortable. However, if this is how you and your partner spend the majority of your time together, most likely your relationship is lacking passion. Electricity, sexuality, and romance are half the relationship —  without it, you may have a good relationship. But, you definitely do not have an amazing one.

So what’s the deal with certainty? It’s absolutely crucial in an intimate relationship. If you want to be in it for the long haul, you MUST feel safe emotionally. So please, have your cozy Sundays on the couch watching Netflix and eating ice cream. But if you want a truly fulfilling and exceptional relationship, you have to balance security and comfort with the thrill of uncertainty.

So that’s where passion comes in. Yes. Passion lives in the realm of uncertainty. When we get stuck in a relationship rut, we are overwhelmed with the feeling that the passion has died. The good news is if you once had passion, it can be recharged. In the beginning of a relationship, everyone has a HIGH energy. We smile more, we focus on making the other person happy, and the charge of falling in love often inspires us to take risks in other areas of our life. We have generated a beautiful emotional state! But here’s the thing: no matter how hot your partner thinks you are, your vibe is what turns him or her on more. If you are in a relationship that was once exciting but is currently not, it’s because of two reasons: You have repressed (at least around your partner) the high vibe part of yourself AND you’ve BOTH neglected each other’s needs for variety, surprise, fun (all code words for healthy uncertainty). If you want to bring passion back into your relationship, you have to bring back the part of you that co-created that passion to begin with.
Well, shit. How do you get that feeling back? First, take a seat with your chest elevated, and breathe. If it helps to place a hand on your heart and feel it’s beat, then try it. Now, go back in time to the first few to several months of your relationship. Think of how you felt. Try not to intellectualize this. FEEL that emotion. What must you focus on to resurrect that feeling? Where do you feel it in your body? Maybe it’s as subtle as feeling your shoulders relax, or your stomach loosen. Second, think about how you dressed back then. What are some of the things you would say to your lover? Did you compliment him/her? The more you can feel the EMOTION of that time, the more you will understand what is required of you to reclaim your relationship fully. Now, is your partner sensitive to sound? If so, bring back the voice with which you spoke to him/her. Is your partner a visual person? Wear something that you know makes her/his heart pound. Perhaps they love just being touched. Then you simply just have to make the effort to touch him more.

Anything I absolutely shouldn’t do? Yes! Don’t play games. This is always a form of withholding – and it will destroy your love. For example, some people all of a sudden act cold, like they just can’t be bothered. These are the bullshit games people play in relationships, and it just creates pain for both people. Whenever you withhold love, you kill your capacity to experience it.  And don’t place blame. When you blame your partner for the lack of physical passion in your relationship, you create a pattern that will paradoxically become largely responsible for the fire burning out. No one feels sexy or sexual when they are defending themselves. Don’t wait for your partner to make changes. Take ownership of your influence and do the things that you did in the beginning of the relationship, now.

Sounds impossible. Listen, I’m not claiming that this is easy. But every single one of us has the capacity to take our relationship to a new level. We must all remember that the reason we get into relationship is to magnify emotion. But what we may not know consciously is that we also get into relationship to better understand ourselves. Your emotional state is the most valuable tool you can use to transform your life