TEN THINGS I LEARNED IN 2016

1. Stuff you acquire (ie: books, clothing, furniture, etc) must be directly proportionate to stuff you throw out. A lean life = a sane brain.

 

2. If you kick your husband out of the house for being a problem, you might be unpleasantly surprised to learn that you too, are also a problem. Deal. Work to change your own mind; realize you can never change his. This is the key to your freedom.

 

3. One day, the world will change overnight. Everything you once thought about your cozy cocoon of creativity + cool, friends, work, sleep, repeat will pass from sight in one second. Stop being comfortable. Get the fuck up. Clear the deck. Begin again. Your new life starts today.

 

4. Spending Saturday nights watching Disney movies with two girls under the age of five is, despite what your late twenties, intoxicated, starfucking, smeary-eyelinered self might think, actually awesome.

 

5. When one of your BFF’s from seventh grade develops Stage Four Hodgkin's Lymphoma and has to spend Christmas in quarantine, quit bitching about the pain of your own petty problems. You already have everything. Take stock. Give thanks. Remember that above all else, real wealth is health.

 

6. Even small business deals are a big deal. No matter how much of a pain it might be to chase down that signature, chase down that signature. Don't underestimate the power of paperwork. (That ones comes from Desiree).

 

7. If Drew Barrymore bumrushes you in the bathroom of a country club, says she loves your dress, is your cosmic soul sister, and emails you later that afternoon to make plans, do not be fooled. Even though you will make several attempts to reach out to in the hopes that your childhood dreams of becoming besties with Little Girl Lost might finally be realized, you will never hear from her again.

 

8. Taking the time to make a jar of ginger dressing (miso, tahini, tamari, olive oil, rice vinegar) every Monday night is the secret to getting your kids to eat their vegetables all week long.

 

9. Laser hair removal hurts like a motherfucker. Like hell. But it is worth it, just so you never have to endure the agony of monthly asshole waxes. Post-procedure, Benadryl, Calamine, acetaminophen and ice packs will be your best friend.

 

10. Miracles do, in fact, happen. That girl who you thought would never fall in love will fall in love. That friend who has endured three miscarriages over the past three years will give birth. That sibling you thought would never speak to you again will, in time, call one day and say: hi. After a lifetime of fantasy and daydreaming and wishing you were a different sort of person living a different sort of life, you will one day be walking down the street, look up at the sky and realize: I am where I want to be.